I’m going to let you in on a story, a recent event that was happening in my life. A month ago, well, I realized that I really liked this guy. Celine, really? Finally liking a guy? Yes. If you know me personally, you know I barely talk to anyone about the guys I talk to, whom I’m dating or… ya know, I just don’t talk about them. Why? Because none of them are worth talking about. That, and… I barely can like anyone, especially in Jakarta. Call me picky – I’m not, I just don’t want to settle for just … meh, okay.
Back story. So yes, this guy right. Woo! Celine finally likes someone. Many of my close friends have known about him because… well, he’s not a stranger in my life. Let’s call him… Daniel. Now, let’s back track and go way back in June 2016, we both were pretty close but things didn’t work out, and I went back to what I knew as my comfort zone but we all know how that turned out.
Daniel is one of a kind, at least for me. Our humor just intertwined with each other’s. I met him at a very confused period in my life but I couldn’t stop thanking God for placing him at the right time. God’s timing is never wrong, we know that. He’s a hard worker and had the funniest things to talk about. He never fail to make me feel beautiful; he would remind me daily. Annoying though, sometimes, much like I am. At the surface, he was what I thought I wanted.
So a month ago, we reconnected and I knew very sure that I really liked him and I would like to try and pursue that next step we never got a chance to. Because for as long as we’ve been apart, I’ve always wanted to reconnect with him, even if it was as friends. He has such a witty personality and our souls seem to connect at a very deep level. I knew. I knew I really like him.
I am never one to make the first move nor to actually tell someone my feelings. But that night I did. “I like you, I really like you,” I slurred the words, I remembered it was 12.34am. And from then on, my life changed – texts day and night, week night dinners, weekend drinks and chill, etc.
‘Finally, I found someone,’ I thought. I was ecstatic. You have no idea. At that moment, it felt so right. But I knew I had to tell him straight up that I have boundaries and that I do not condone with ‘friends with benefits’ type of relationship, never. Never going to do that due to my past relationships.
When people say being in love in the best feeling, it’s true. It was an entirely different feeling, a new experience, something I have not felt in a damn long time. I knew and I was sure.
For the next week and so, my heart was warm and my love tank was overflowing because he was doing whatever I thought guys would do when they’re interested in someone.
Unfortunately… After the second week of us “dating”, the last day of the weekend, somehow something felt off. Sunday morning was the last I heard from him, just 4 hours after he dropped me home.
What’s that? Yeap. You heard right. After that, nothing. Just. Like. That. No text, no explanation, no calls, nothing. Poof. Gone.
To be completely honest, I was really disappointed. I felt lost. I questioned myself “what did I do? Was it something I said? What did I say? What did I do?” I even asked him, but to my dismay, no reply, sadly. For several times, actually. I reached out. The last text I sent was “Does this mean you don’t even want to be friends?” No reply.
My advice? Sometimes, we should believe in people’s actions more than words.
I told some of my friends and all they could said was, “girl, you’ve been through worse.” I know, I know, I know that for sure. But… It doesn’t discount how I feel about guys at that very moment. Getting hurt once again, in a span of a year… And the thing is… I barely like anyone. Why do I have to go through this again? I never let just any other guy step into my vulnerable state, I won’t do that after what I had been through. I… was disappointed in myself at one point, I kept questioning what I could have done, how could I have been, should I have been more toned down? Should I have been more quiet about my boundaries? Should I have compromised? I blew it. I blew it all up. It’s all my fault.
That happened about a month ago from today. It took me a month to really be able to talk about it. Am I still searching for an answer? Perhaps, at times, sometimes when I’m alone, say when I’m showering or shitting or … ya know, alone. But I’ve learnt to push that thought aside. Because why? I may never be able to get it. I may never be able to get my answer, or closure you may say. I
should must get over it and accept that things just don’t work out sometimes. Easy come, easy go, they say. Then I realized… Wow, I am so not ready for a relationship. How do I know this? Well, I know this when I dropped everything and reconnected to my spiritual self and recollected myself. Yet again. Because at the end of the day, you only have yourself.
So what is the point of this? Of me typing this out? Truly, I don’t know to be honest.
Perhaps one of you out there reading this might be going through what I am going through… Being single at this age sometimes sucks. Let’s just be honest, sometimes you see your friends having a significant other or even, married, and you think “How lucky are they to have someone”, and you wonder what’s wrong with yourself that you’re still so single.
But.. Here are 5 points you have to keep in mind :
- Being single doesn’t mean you are alone. – After being in a very disfunctional relationship, I feel so blessed to be able to be single at this age because it really is the time to be selfish. Like I previously said, God’s timing is never wrong. I am very thankful that I am single now because I want to pursue my dreams, alone. I want to be able to think of myself first because in the future, I am not only thinking of myself, but also for my significant other and my family. But for now, it’s just me and my personal development – what I want, what I want to live for, my values, my priorities, everything that makes me who I am. How are you going to do all that when you have someone else to think about?
- Before thinking about wanting to be in a relationship (or marrying) with someone else, you should think of being in a relationship with YOURSELF. – Here’s one point that I think I took a while to grasp. Having a relationship with yourself goes beneath taking care of yourself, it is to the point where you are to MARRY yourself – for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, to love and to cherish all of you. You. You need to be able to be comfortable being with yourself before you have love to give anyone else. It’s really cliched if you think about it. As Rupaul puts it, “Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how da hell are you going to love anybody else?” Can I get an amen?
- Having boundaries means you won’t settle just for anyone. – Settling means you shortlisting yourself. Don’t do that. If this guy isn’t meeting your expectations, don’t compromise. Yeah sure, sometimes you can compromise watching The Dark Knight when you really want to watch Ice Age, but… don’t compromise on your own set of values. The things you stand up for, your core values that you have built throughout the years and decide for your own future. Because, chances are… sometimes guys can change temporarily just so they get what they want, and after that, poof. Gone.
- Pay attention to your baggage and never settle for someone who will not accept them. – Say you are always falling for this certain type of guy, at the end of the day, it never work out. Why? Have you ever questioned why? Have you ever questioned whether instead of them being a problem, it’s you? I’ll let you in on this – I’m still having difficulties on this but I am getting there. We all have emotional baggage from our past, we all have wounds. The thing about wounds is… We don’t know we have them until they’re being scratched and perhaps, the scab is still fresh. Find someone who is willing to be there despite your baggage and is willing to heal with you because they want to be part of your journey. I can tell you, I know a lot about Daniel, but I don’t know whether he’ll be there when I get too vulnerable, because I tried and well, he chose to ghost. That says a lot.
- Wait in purpose. – As you get older, you know very well that the pressure’s on. You see every one around you happy and in love, you start to get scared. Fear is always lingering. It seems like everywhere we go, once a woman reaches 30, boo, you go to the discount section. You become undesirable after you hit 30, and still not married. Why? Asian parents. I can’t understand why we think that way. Because… you heard this before, your parents will keep pushing you, relatives will keep matchmaking you, so on and forth. It’s like if you’re not married, you’re not an adult and you should not be taken seriously. But I realized that we are overvaluing what other people are thinking. What’s the point in that? Are you saying that you are valuing what others think of you more than what you think of yourself? In that case, don’t. Because if you found your ground and have sufficient love to give yourself, you have no space in your heart to value other people’s thoughts unless it’s your own.
Remember that there are 7.5 billion people in the world so please don’t think that THAT one and only guy is your soulmate, because I believe the only soulmate you have (for now) is within you.
Yeah, sure, being single sucks but I’ve learnt to trust in myself and the Universe to give me the one because I know it’s going to be an exciting journey until then.
And as for Daniel? I’ve not heard from him. He didn’t believe I was worth a reply or an explanation, so I guess.. that’s it. Cowardly move, I would say. I got too ahead of myself and perhaps, it was all me, or him? But who cares? I don’t think I will ever get answer, neither am I expecting one. But for now, what I know is… He’s definitely not worth any space in my heart nor life. Who knows what the future may hold? Who knows?
I hope this will help someone out there~ whoever it may be! Really, I am so thankful I have this blog to word vomit all the time. Most times, I just spill whatever’s in my head and go for it. You are hearing whatever’s in my head and heart, there’ll be more of these because I really want to share my journey and be able to look back at the progress I’ve made. I hope you have a great Sunday because I know I did. 🙂