I was treated like a joke. Funny, life’s funny. Karma is an even funnier thing. Even funnier when you’re the one in that black hole, sucked into someone else’s black hole. It was hard to get out of, I could feel myself being pulled back by his invisible puppet strings again and again and again and again; and that’s exactly what I was – his puppet. Had I been able to see all this, all this mess, all this baggage and issues and how it can change one person, I wouldn’t have signed up for this. I wouldn’t give him a chance, I wouldn’t have given someone who isn’t whole to take what I had. Because at the end of the day… I not only lost a part of myself I would never get back, I also lost my sanity and my pride. I lost my ability to think straight. I should have been selfish. As selfish as he was. And the saddest part is, I allowed him to be the most selfish person.
I let him call me immediately every time he needs “a shoulder to cry on” upon finding out things he didn’t want to find out about people close to him. I let him come over my place after he dropped his girlfriend(s) off. I let him come meet me after he hung out with his girl A, girl B, girl C. I let him make me feel like I have no right to feel anything when I bump into these girls. I let him make me feel that it is okay for him to go to Bali with another girl when we were trying to fix “things”. I let him lie to my face. I let him say “hold on, mum, I’ll call you back” to me on the phone when I called him while he was with another girl in a hotel room. I let him make me think that it’s okay for him to get the girl’s number, just because he wants “to see if he still got game”. I let him in and out of my life whenever he wanted to. I… let him do everything and anything possible in order to hurt me. Most of all, I let him be the best liar there is in Jakarta. But I only have myself to blame.
Why? Because I’ve seen him at his worst and he doesn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve a lot of things that happened in his life, but… I forgot about myself. I forgot that maybe I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treated.
As time passes, my trust for other people vanished and I gain more and more doubtful of a lot of people. Trust. A big word. One I don’t quite understand now. What’s trust anyway?
I used to be a gullible person, believing in what every one has to say. They say it, I believe it. He is a good liar. A very good one. He lies to his parents a lot of times, I know this. I was with him every weekend, day and night for close to 2 years. You’ll be amazed by the things he’ll lie about. Things that I don’t even know needed to be lied about!
Mum : Where are you? Your house phone isn’t working.
Him : Home. Phone’s spoiled. (At that time, he’s in Seattle with me, skipping classes.)
Mum : Oh what happened? Did you go to class?
Him : Yes (lie), oh i don’t know what happened nih. I’ll go get it fixed deh over the weekend (lie).
Simple things like that.
My friends weren’t able to talk any sense in me, they saw me being hurt repeatedly. In my head, I had this other perspective of him; I painted what I thought was a perfect silhouette of his, the perfect love story, the perfect being sent into my life. I really was blinded by what I thought was love.
For a while, it was the perfect story to tell others – we were friends since we were really young, our first date was in New York, we got together when I moved to the states for college. I think I was clinging on to how ‘perfect’ that story sounds that I forgot how imperfect the situation is.
I believed in him that I ended not believing in myself. All because of this person, because of his issues. Was it worth it though?
Yes. Because I feel that everyone who went through what I did will end up being better versions of themselves. There are lessons in every love story. At the end, these lessons will help you shed all the negativity you carry, all that burden, all that… doubts and insecurities because of what this person has caused them to feel. They’ll know how to really pick friends and people who are worth their time and effort, dedication and sacrifices. Yeah, funny how I say the word sacrifices because I believe LOVE is equivalent to SACRIFICE.
You might think differently, but that’s how I see it. You love this person, that’s why you take time out to help him. And that’s what I tried doing. You love this person, so you sacrifice a little more room in your heart to find out what this person likes or does not like.
So don’t be scared. Take it from me who survived this (or finding my way around this, if you may). Though I am far from ready to say “I’m over this”, I know I’m getting there. I can see the light at the end of this dark, long tunnel, even more so than when I was with that person.
But you know what, let me say it : I am the stupid one.
As bad as he may be to me, or even if you think he isn’t bad at all… I admit, he’s really not bad. I love how stubborn about his goals. He works hard and I know that. He’s really sociable and a little too friendly that it becomes flirty (but hey, he’s probably flirting with the whole of Jakarta) I would like to think there is more positive traits that his friends might find in him. I’m glad to be friends with him for a long time and being close/together with him with close to 7 years. He’s religious, or should I say he acts like it.
Then again, I can’t blame him for how he’d turned out. I’m thankful we are raised differently with different priorities, but one that I want to savor is my family’s values and love that they have shown me. They support me, they support my hobbies and they have never shun me. I never got any from him, nor was he able to show. Showing feelings – something he’s not familiar with.
I should have seen all the clues/issues he’s laid out from the start. All his break ups? Because of cheating. That funny? Aaaand I know he’s been a cheater since forever. Why did I try? Because I thought I could fucking change someone. So stupid. Idiot, Celine, wrong move.
4 years of… stress, as I would put it. Now it just clicked to me that hey, maybe he really never love you, cause if he did, why would he have done that to you? 1. He’s probably gonna deny it and say yes he doesn’t love me (typical), or 2. Say he really did love me but thinks I’m psycho. With a guy like this, how can I not be? But! It is still my fault and here’s why, and hopefully you’ll see these as red flags, those I didn’t manage to take notice. Save yourself from toxic relationships before it’s too late.
Take it from someone who’s down the dark hole for 7 years. I’m finally free.