** Disclaimer – I know this isn’t at all beauty related but it’s a part of my life that I want to document and see my progress of. Credits – @hiddenheartbreak for all images used in this post **
Oh man! What an eventful week. Currently, I’m sitting down on my bed with my mac book, serenaded by John Mayer.
Oh how peaceful.
My sister left to Seattle earlier today. The emptiness I feel, I can’t describe. But life goes on. I have no time to be sad. Aside from my sister going back to Seattle, I’m also recovering from what happened this week. So… I am seriously laughing as I’m typing this. But my ex boyfriend of 5-7 (on off) years posted a photo with a girl. Nothing romantic, I know. But the said he who never really post anything on social media, posts that. Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha….
I have no idea why I feel the way I feel, or what I’m feeling. Actually, I do… but it’s a whole mixture of feelings.
Nah, this is the time for my friends to be like “kan… kan.. kan… udah gue bilang”. Yes, I truly admit I’m so stupid for not being able to see his true colors from the start. So many red flags, so many times he’s disrespected me and so many times he’s a damn snake. Yes. I said snake.
Disappointed at myself! How could I not love myself that much that I accepted all that hurt? Haha, because I love him? Love is an illusion. Love is a new concept. (Thanks Joddy for telling me this!) Love… doesn’t exist! Instead, I would like to believe that if you really ‘love’ someone, it should be counted in how many times you’ve sacrificed for that person. I believe in love for one’s faith and family, and lastly yourself. You don’t have to have people in the world that you can love completely, fully, sincerely – but just those three. Because at the end of the day, you don’t know if your extent of love and the other person’s is the same. Love, simply, isn’t enough sometimes. I’m disappointed at myself for painting a perfect person in my head and standing up for him in front of my friends, HIS friends, and everyone else around me!
I remember bringing it up to him once and he just said “I don’t care what people think”, of course you don’t. Clearly. It just took me 7 years to realize this. Oh yes, he’s definitely a good friend. He’s nice, he’s fun, he’s sociable, he’s nice to bring around. Sort of like a trophy boyfriend. Was I happy? Yeap, until I find out Girl A, Girl B, Girl C, Girl ERUIOWQEHFVBCNFGHJHGFDS all the alphabets on the keyboard. I would even include numbers if I can.
Disappointed at how low he can drag me down. I almost lost myself.
Relieved. So so so so so relieved that this happens way sooner than later. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. I keep reminding myself that! This is literally the first break up I ever have a hard time with because I loved him with all my heart but I didn’t know how small his heart is.
I can’t keep thanking God today for showing me his true colors. I’m on the road to self-rediscovery and I only need positivity and encouragement. None of that “I have a girlfriend but I love you. I love you so much you are the only one I love” bullshit. Words are certainly too cheap for some people sometimes and they promise you the moon and the sky when you literally only need is something so simple – for him to be considerate of your feelings. But he won’t, he can’t. Because he has none.
God. This feels so good.